My Loyal Assistant and Office Manager, Toby

From another forum discussing solutions to our energy problems, in response to various proposals, including the “gas tax holiday” favored by the two GOP candidates, McCain and Clinton.  What about this?

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Dick Cheney should call up Hugo Chavez for advice, since gas is 12 cents a gallon down there, and $4 here, Dick wants to find out what’s up. Here’s how the call might go down. Warning: this could be rather annoying, and not as humorous as I originally thought. Proceed at your own risk.

Dick: Hey, Hugo–how’s it goin’?

Hugo: Quien es?

Dick: What?

Hugo: Quien es?

Dick: What?

Fortunately at this point, GWB, who speaks fluent Spanish, is walking by, and agrees to translate. Two oilmen taking on a Socialist Dicktater who likes to nationalize petroleum stocks—what a matchup. The following translation is in English, courtesy of GWB, and THE WHITE HOUSE.

Hugo: Oh, hello, Dick. How are the Nationals playing so far?

Dick: Not that good. How’s that FARC hostage thing working out for you?

Hugo: Not that good. Thanks for bringing it up.

Dick: By the way, the President is with me and he’ll be translating.

Hugo: So, I’ll be talking to two Dicks at once?

Dick: (silence)

Hugo: ¿hola, está el micrófono encendido?

Dick: (silence)

Hugo: Hola!

Dick: Uh, sorry–are you trying to be funny?

Hugo: Yes, few people know that I was a stand up comic before becoming a Socialist Dicktater. I had some great Capitalist jokes that went over well with the oppressed Peasantry. Here’s a sample: Two foreign Capitalists walk into an oilfield. (Wait) And exploit it! Now that’s surefire material around here. By the way, Jorge, I was just kiddin’ around with that Diablo (Devil) sulphur remark at the UN.

Dick: Thanks, that’s OK, I heard they had to repaint the whole speaker’s dais to remove the stench left by your black bean farts. Oh, and, the Vice President says he was just kiddin’ too about all that “Wacko” stuff when you were popularly elected.

Hugo: Great. I’m glad we cleared that up. Although I dispute the part about the black beans. So what’s on your minds?

Dicks: We were wondering why it is exactly, that gas is 12 cents in Caracas, yet, in Cucamonga, it is $4? It’s not that Brutal Socialist Dicktater thing is it?

Hugo: Yes. Sort of. Our people wanted to control their own natural resources because the deals in place with foreign Capitalists that had been negotiated by our previous governments were completely unfair, and, a disadvantage to the Venezuelan people. As shocking as it may seem, these people were pocketing bribes themselves to allow the situation to continue. So after taking power, needed adjustments were made to regain ownership of our resources, and, share any revenue from sales with the people, instead of watching it disappear into already full bank accounts in Houston, for example. It seems pretty simple and fair to us.

Dicks: Wait a minute! That’s Socialism!

Hugo: Yes, it is, as I just explained. And, that’s a contributing factor to why gas is 12 cents a gallon. We aren’t wasting lots of money maintaining the lifestyles of a bunch of fatasses lolliing around the pool checking their Blackberrys to see how much their stock has gone up because gas is $4 and climbing. I know it sounds crazy, but, we feel all the people should benefit from our natural resources, not foreign fatcats. Sorry. It is a way of ours.

Dicks: Wait a minute! That’s Socialsm!

Hugo: Yes. We just went through this didn’t we? Besides, you’ve already benefited from it yourselves. Did we not offer cheaper heating fuel to folks in your own New England? May I suggest you patronize our Citgo outlets in June. With a fillup you’ll get a free coffee, and half off a Little Debby cinnamon cake.

Dicks: Hmm…..that is quite a value. But, someone told me all you have are Donkeys down there, so that’s why gas is 12 cents a gallon. What about that, Pal?

Hugo: Well, we do have Donkeys, but, we actually have motor vehicles as well. Those who choose Donkeys can use the 12 cents a gallon they don’t spend on gas for a nice piece of sugar cane for the Donkey. Win-Win.

Dicks: (silence)

Hugo: Well, is that about it?

Dicks: Yeah, but that Socialism thing will never work as well as Capitalism. Real Americans like paying $4 for Capitalist gas. It’s Patriotic, and, way better than Socialist gas.

Hugo: OK, then, but you’re already paying us $4. That’s another reason we can sell it to ourselves for 12 cents. Talk to you later.